Picture this: you’ve had a rough day. Maybe work was overwhelming, or a personal situation left you feeling deflated. You finally muster up the courage to confide in someone, only to hear, “Just look on the bright side!” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Instead of feeling comforted, you feel dismissed, as if your pain isn’t valid or worthy of attention.
This is the subtle sting of toxic positivity, a well-meaning but ultimately harmful approach that prioritises forced optimism over authentic emotional expression. While positivity can be a powerful tool for resilience, when taken to an extreme, it can silence real struggles and stifle genuine connection. Let’s explore why toxic positivity can do more harm than good, and how embracing the full spectrum of emotions can lead to healthier, more meaningful growth.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. On the surface, this idea might sound helpful or uplifting. After all, a positive outlook is often associated with better mental health. However, toxic positivity crosses the line when it dismisses, minimises or invalidates difficult emotions in the process.
Common examples of toxic positivity include:
Telling someone, “It could be worse,” when they share a struggle.
Insisting “Good vibes only!” when someone is visibly upset.
Advising people to “focus on the positives” without addressing their pain.
While these statements may come from a place of good intentions, they can leave the person on the receiving end feeling unheard and unsupported.
Why Toxic Positivity Is Harmful
It Invalidates Real Feelings
When someone expresses sadness, anger, or fear, they’re often seeking understanding, not solutions or reassurances. Toxic positivity shuts down the opportunity for empathy by dismissing those feelings as unimportant or unworthy of acknowledgement. Over time, this can lead people to internalise the message that their emotions are a problem or a burden, creating feelings of shame or isolation.
For example, imagine telling a friend about a recent loss, only to hear, “At least they’re in a better place.” While this sentiment may be meant to comfort, it sidesteps the very real grief you’re experiencing, leaving you to process those emotions alone.
Suppressing Emotions Can Backfire
Burying negative emotions doesn’t make them go away; it simply pushes them beneath the surface, where they can fester and grow. Research shows that repressed emotions often resurface as stress, anxiety or even physical symptoms like headaches or digestive issues. Toxic positivity encourages this kind of emotional suppression, creating a façade of cheerfulness that can be exhausting to maintain. Over time, this emotional bottling can lead to burnout or a breakdown, as unprocessed feelings demand to be addressed.
It Creates Unrealistic Expectations
The constant push for positivity sets an impossible standard. Life is full of ups and downs, and it is unrealistic or healthy to expect anyone to remain upbeat all the time. Yet toxic positivity perpetuates the idea that struggling is a sign of weakness or failure, adding an extra layer of pressure to already difficult situations.
This is particularly evident on social media, where the highlight reels of others’ lives can make it feel like you’re the only one experiencing hardship. Toxic positivity amplifies this illusion, leading to feelings of inadequacy or isolation.
It Hinders Authentic Connection
True connection happens when people feel safe to share their full selves, including their struggles and vulnerabilities. Toxic positivity, however, can shut down these moments of authenticity by discouraging honest conversations about pain or hardship.
For instance, if a friend repeatedly dismisses your struggles with platitudes, you might stop opening up to them altogether. This erodes trust and prevents deeper, more meaningful relationships from forming.
Embracing Authentic Emotions
The antidote to toxic positivity isn’t negativity; it’s authenticity. Embracing the full range of human emotions allows us to process experiences more fully and grow in meaningful ways. Here’s why this matters:
Negative Emotions Serve a Purpose: Feelings like sadness, anger, and fear are not inherently bad. They are signals from our body and mind that something needs attention. Ignoring these emotions prevents us from addressing the root causes of our struggles.
Healing Requires Honesty: Growth and healing begin with acknowledging where we’re at, even if it’s uncomfortable. Pretending everything is fine when it’s not only delays this process.
Resilience Comes from Balance: True resilience isn’t about ignoring pain; it’s about learning to navigate it. By allowing ourselves to feel and process difficult emotions, we build the emotional strength to face future challenges.
How to Avoid Toxic Positivity
Practice Active Listening
When someone shares a difficult experience, resist the urge to immediately “fix” it with positivity. Instead, focus on validating their feelings with empathetic responses like: “That sounds really hard.”, “I’m here for you.” or “It’s okay to feel that way.”.
These statements acknowledge the person’s emotions without judgment, creating space for them to feel seen and heard.
Use Affirmations with Balance
Positive affirmations can be helpful, but they should never dismiss someone’s pain. For example, instead of saying, “Just be positive,” try, “I know this is tough, but I believe in your ability to get through it.”
This approach balances optimism with acknowledgement, offering support without invalidating struggles.
Allow Yourself (and Others) to Feel
It’s okay to not be okay. Remind yourself and those around you that experiencing negative emotions is a normal part of life. Encourage healthy outlets for processing these feelings, such as journaling, therapy, or talking to a trusted friend.
Replace Toxic Phrases with Compassionate Ones
Here’s a simple guide to shifting from toxic positivity to supportive communication:
Instead of “Everything happens for a reason,” try “I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
Instead of “Stay positive,” try “It’s okay to feel upset right now.”
Instead of “Good vibes only,” try “All your feelings are valid.”
A Better Path Forward
Toxic positivity often comes from a place of wanting to help, but it’s not the kind of help most people need. True support means meeting others where they are without trying to change or diminish their emotions.
Next time you’re tempted to plaster on a smile or encourage someone else to “stay positive,” pause. Ask yourself what they truly need in that moment. Often, the greatest gift you can offer is your presence and understanding.
Remember, life is messy, and that’s okay. Real strength lies not in avoiding the tough moments, but in facing them with honesty and compassion. By embracing the full range of emotions, we create space for growth, healing and deeper connections with ourselves and others.
Here’s to living authentically, feeling deeply and growing through it all together.
At Talens Health, we understand the importance of honouring all your emotions and creating a safe space to explore them. Our online counselling sessions are designed to provide compassionate, professional support tailored to your unique journey. Ready to take the first step? Book your first session for free and start building the tools to live authentically and heal fully.
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