Part 2 of 3 – Patterns: Why Your Trauma Makes You Think You Don’t Have Trauma
- Tomas Alenskas
- Apr 10
- 4 min read
When Coping Becomes Who You Are
Let’s talk about the coping that never looked like coping.
Sometimes we think of trauma responses as big, dramatic breakdowns. But more often? They’re quiet. Subtle. Even praised.
It’s the hyper-independence that makes you “the strong one.” It’s the people-pleasing that makes you easy to get along with. It’s the perfectionism that earns you praise, but quietly destroys your peace.
These are patterns we don’t question because they work... until they don’t. And most of them were built not from who you truly are, but from what you had to do to stay safe, accepted, or in control.
This article is Part 2 of a 3-Part Series We’re unpacking a big, often invisible topic: how trauma hides in plain sight, and why so many of us don’t even realise we’ve been carrying it. Here’s what you can expect across the series: Part 1 – Awareness, Part 2 – Patterns, (you’re here) Part 3 – Healing. Each part stands on its own, so you can start anywhere, but together, they form a clearer picture. If something in this post hits home, there’s more ahead that might help you make sense of things in a way you never have before.
The Patterns We Carry
If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone:
You feel uncomfortable asking for help, even when you need it.
You say yes when you want to say no, just to avoid conflict.
You constantly worry that people are mad at you, even with no evidence.
You keep busy because slowing down makes you feel… something.
You pride yourself on being the “reliable one” but feel secretly resentful or burnt out.
You second-guess yourself all the time.
These aren’t just random quirks. They’re learned behaviours. Adaptations. Coping strategies that were built during times when your needs were not being met, or worse, when they were ignored or punished.
When Coping Becomes Identity
What starts as survival can eventually become an identity. If you were only praised when you performed well, you might become a perfectionist. If your emotions were too much for the adults around you, you might learn to shut them down entirely. If love was conditional, you might become whoever you need to be in order to keep it.
It’s no wonder so many people confuse their trauma responses with their personality.
“I’m just really independent.”
“I hate asking for things.”
“I don’t like being vulnerable.”
“I’ve always been the one who holds it all together.”
Except, what if you weren’t always like this?What if you became this way because you had to?
It Was Smart, But It Wasn't Free
Let’s be clear: the way you learned to cope was clever. Necessary. A survival skill. You found a way to exist in an environment that didn’t always support who you were.
But those same strategies that helped you get through childhood might now be the very things standing between you and real emotional safety.
They can:
Keep you in relationships that feel one-sided.
Stop you from trusting people who actually care.
Prevent you from resting, even when your body is crying out for it.
Leave you feeling isolated, even in a crowded room.
And because the coping has become so ingrained, you might not even realise you’re doing it. You just know you’re tired. Or disconnected. Or never quite settled.
So What Do You Do With That?
First: you don’t shame yourself for the way you’ve coped. You thank yourself for getting this far. You honour the version of you that figured out how to survive.
And then, gently, you start to ask questions like:
“Is this behaviour still serving me?”
“What would happen if I let someone help me?”
“Am I reacting from my present reality, or from an old wound?”
These questions don’t need instant answers. The power is in the noticing. In pausing long enough to wonder if the version of you who built these defences is the one who still needs to be driving the car.
You’re Not a Problem to Solve
There’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re not too sensitive. You’re not needy. You’re not broken.
You’ve just been carrying a weight no one else could see, and doing it so well that not even you realised how heavy it’s been.
That’s what hidden trauma does. It disguises itself as resilience. As strength. As “just who I am.” And while those things are true in part, they’re not the whole story.
What If You Didn’t Have to Carry the Trauma Alone?
If this post has stirred something in you, if you’re noticing patterns you’ve always lived with but never really understood, it might be time to talk to someone who gets it.
At Talens Health, we offer affordable, online counselling that meets you where you are. No expectations. No pressure to explain everything perfectly. Just a safe space to explore the parts of yourself that have been working overtime for too long.
You deserve support that sees behind the mask.
We’re here when you’re ready.
👣 Next in the Series…
Part 3: “Why Your Trauma Makes You Think You Don’t Have Trauma – Part 3 of 3: Healing” How to gently start unlearning what no longer serves you, and begin creating safety from the inside out. Read now
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